Owning It

Having a daughter and numerous female students I think more than I used to about projecting a healthy body image.

I talk to Virginia about how amazing her body is - not just how it looks, but things it does, like growing muscles when she exercises and healing itself.

I eat lunch with small groups of 5th graders multiple times a week to discuss books. My first year I was stunned to see girls eating just a banana and bagel for lunch. I'm not sure whether they were "dieting" or just picky, but I'd like to think that I'm setting a good example by putting plenty of protein and vegetables on my plate (in healthy-sized portions).

I don't spend a lot of time on my hair and makeup and this is not as much because I am trying to make a statement as it is because, as a mother of two small children, I have better things to do - like sleep. However, it does take a level of comfort with your own appearance to go out without makeup. (Seriously? I just said that. Men aren't brave for going about their lives without colors smudged all over their faces! But that is getting beyond the scope...)

I also rarely "dress up" beyond wearing something professional. But yesterday, I did wear a dress that, accentuates my femininity, let's say. It was chapel day, so I was supposed to wear a dress and I just didn't feel like wearing a dress that is a dress but isn't dressy. I wanted to look pretty. Now, I bought this dress in England, pre-babies. I do not weigh now what I weighed then, but I felt comfortable in the dress.

Imagine my surprise when many of my fellow teachers commented on how "good" I looked. I often have trouble taking compliments and can easily fall into the excuse, to myself, of, "They probably just mean 'good' compared to how I normally look!" But I started to think about what was going on and realized that I did look good; not because my body is perfect, but because I wore that dress with confidence. I allowed the shape of my body to show a little more than usual and I owned it.

This must be a hard lesson to learn because, it occurs to me, I've learned it before and it must have not stuck. Maybe I'll get it this time and do a better job of passing it on: it isn't physical perfection that makes me beautiful (lol!), it is liking myself.

Update

After not managing to publish a blog post in so long it seems like I should reevaluate whether or not I really want to do this, but I think I do. I am just struggling right now to keep the balance in my life and sometimes balls drop. The key is knowing which balls are okay to drop and I'm thinking the blog ball in one that can bounce back.

I went back to work at the start of the new school year, which is honestly something I had a great deal of anxiety about. Virginia was 8 months old when I first started working and Horatio was only days from 5 months old when I had to go back. I was anxious about pumping, about how he would feel spending the day with strangers, about how I would feel being away from both kids all day, etc.

Things have actually been pretty okay. A pump is never as efficient as a baby at getting milk so I have had some moments of stress over whether he was getting enough and I have had to make a small compromise from what I would do if he were home with me. I wanted to do total baby led intro to solids, like I did with Virginia and let him feed himself appropriate foods as he was able. We have experimented with this at home, but on his own he still can't do more than taste. I have started mashing up a banana or sweet potato or something similar for him to be spoon-fed at school. He just needs a little bit more and now that he can eat some food, I would rather him have that than formula. Despite taking supplements I can't seem to pump more than I already am, but thankfully, with the addition of that one meal, it seems to be enough.

Horatio likes to be held (of course he does!) but he is good natured at day care and doesn't seem to hate me for leaving him there. He is very glad to see me when I pick him up, though, and let's be honest, it's always nice to be wanted!

The other big thing that has happened is that we have moved. We are now in a house that is closer to family but farther from (my) work. John now has an office with a closing door and the kids have a playroom (yay for not having toys all over the house!). Horatio still sleeps in our room but we hope to have him share with Virginia once he sleeps better. If it doesn't work out, then I guess the playroom will go away and they will each have their own room. But it is nice to have choices.

I now have a commute of 30 minutes to an hour depending on time of day and whether or not there has been an accident on the interstate. I have started listening to audio books in the car and this has helped me a lot because I actually look forward to it. I've been able to manage my time so that I'm not getting up much earlier (home-made smoothie for breakfast to go), but I do often have the feeling of having no down time. I always have to keep up with my schedule or things get way behind - especially in the evenings when we basically have to have dinner right away or bedtime will be late.

Despite all of this craziness, I find myself with a tentative feeling of contentment. I am happy with my family (I feel like it is probably complete!) and I am happy with my job. Once in a while I get a little overwhelmed, but mostly it's all good!