End of a Chapter

My students had their last day of school on Friday. Although I do hope to make some cameo appearances at my school in the future, my time as their teacher is over. My students are the thing I will miss the very most from this job.

(On a side note, I realize I am steering myself towards a career that does not as much involve working with children... Maybe I'll take more storytelling gigs for kids. Or maybe I'll get to do some field work in media centers.)

Since I had worked with itty-bitties before (toddler story time), the younger elementary grades might have been a more obvious choice for me. But I was asked to take the older grades. I'm so glad it worked out that way, because I think I have really grown with them and learned about myself.

I love third, fourth, and fifth graders. AllMost of them. But I have felt especially close the the fifth grade. It could be because I knew them the best, after teaching those students for three years. Or it could be because I gave them more privileges, like having book clubs with me, and this allowed me to know some of them better. Or it could be that I have a special place in my heart for kids who are on the cusp of growing up.

What surprises me about this is that as soon as I first began to think of working in schools I knew I could do elementary or high school, but NOT middle. I hated middle school when I was a student. I vowed never to go back. I started to soften when Tersi Bendiburg said, during a workshop, that she likes middle school the most because of what they are going through. Positive adults can really make a difference in their lives. Now that I have learned I have something to offer those in the double digits, not just itty-bitties, I think maybe, just maybe, I could work with middle school children.

My students taught me that everyone has at least one area in which they shine, and if you help a student find that area, you are a hero. The library really can be a safe place for children to investigate their curiosities, especially with the help of an understanding librarian. I can read the same book four or five times a year, several years in a row, and not get tired of it. I can read to three classes a day, then come home and read to my own kids and not get tired of that (though I might get a little horse). And the energy and enthusiasm you put into teaching usually pays off - even if it's not always obvious right away.

I worked very hard to get this job, and in some ways it feel strange to just...leave. But I couldn't have done what I'm doing now four years ago. Something that's happened in the last four years has helped me get here. I think, though, that it is everything.

Diastasis Recti

After more than four years I can finally do a crunch and not feel a huge gap between my abs.

Let me tell you what doesn't work to correct abdominal separation (in my experience):

• doing nothing
• doing ab exercises
• not doing ab exercises
• T-Tapp (it is a good workout, but didn't fix the problem)
• body brushing (feels good, though)
• binding (basically, wearing a corset)
• sucking your belly in whenever possible
• pulling your belly in for 100 reps several times a day

Let me also acknowledge that some of these things might have helped, but just not been enough for full healing. And some of these things might work if performed better or more frequently than I did them. But you need a solution that is right for you, right?

Abdominal separation has plagued me since I first discovered it's existence after Virginia's birth. Why have I been surprisingly silent on it, given the fact that I am open to discussing much more embarrassing things on the blog? 

I considered it the worst thing about my postpartum body. I was depressed about my inability to fix it. I knew that I was doing a bunch of ridiculous things to try and repair my belly. I didn't want to write about my high hopes over and over again, just to have to later admit that I had, again, failed to make an improvement. 

Let me try to explain why this has been so frustrating. I am in the best shape of my life. I was recently declared "disgustingly healthy" by a nurse. I run. I do yoga. My diet has been hugely improved by my realization that healthy, for me, means eating foods that make me feel my best - and making the necessary changes.

I have not made these improvements with the intention of losing weight or inches. It was just to be healthy, to feel energetic. But, I do now wear the smallest size I've ever worn in my adult life. My weight is in the same range that it always tends towards. So, I have successfully gained muscle and lost fat. 

But in spite of all of those things my stomach has still been soft, round...loose. 

And although I ignored the advice at times, I couldn't really do much to strengthen my abdominal muscles, because it is supposed to make the muscle separation worse. This ended up not being a huge problem because I just couldn't do my pilates DVD anyway. Couldn't even modify the moves to make them easier. If you can't sit up, you can't sit up. 

As much as I really do try to love my body as it is, this one thing did bother me. 

And it is not just a cosmetic issue. It is a health problem, if a minor one. Abdominal separation affects posture and can put strain on back muscles. 

I was kind of over the exercises. I felt like I had tried quite a few already and they hadn't worked. But somehow I found the hope to order another DVD. BeFit-Mom won me over by being so authoritative not on general fitness, but on postpartum fitness, specifically, and on the issue of muscle separation. (This is not a paid endorsement, by the way. Just found something that works for me and thought I'd share.) 

I have only done the workout for diastasis recti so far, and not nearly as often recommended (end of school schedule is making it hard). I had zero expectations of seeing any kind of improvement after only a few weeks. The thing is, I think my muscle separation wasn't even that bad. It is just so hard to exercise the muscles that need strengthening to pull the abs back together. 

I'll keep doing this workout a while longer before moving on to the more general ab work. I don't want to push it. It is just nice to finally see one of my wild attempts at healing myself pay off. 

The best thing about this video is that, even though the workout works months or even years post-pregnancy, it is mostly aimed at women a few months postpartum. I get to laugh at the advice at the end of the workout about exercising when baby is asleep. Most likely Virginia is on the mat next to me attempting to do the exercises, too, and Horatio is dive-bombing me from across the room making sure I really do have my stomach muscles tight. 

I knew I would be left with some scars from pregnancy and parenthood. I don't try to get rid of the stretch marks or dye the gray hairs that are popping up with new and frightening frequency. But this thing, I can put it back the way it is supposed to be. So I'm going to. 

I Can Do This Forever

I ran my first half marathon recently. It was difficult, but I've signed up for another one this fall, knowing that since I've already done some long distance training it will be easier to get up to 13 miles this time.

When I was a child I hated running. I always got a cramp in my side. When I breathed slowly and rhythmically like the PE teacher suggested, I would not get the cramp, but my body thought I was suffocating. It took a great deal of will power to continue breathing like that and override my body's urge to take great gulps of air.

It wasn't until I was out of graduate school and without access to a free gym that I even thought about running again. The thing about running, is that it is free, and you can pretty much just walk out your front door and start doing it.

I ran around a small track, slowly increasing my time, until I could run a mile without feeling like I was suffocating. Then I started running two miles, and then three.

When I first began running, I noticed that I spent most of the time wondering when I could be done. "Is it over yet? The torture? Can I stop?" I listened to audio books to take my mind off the time and this was a great diversion for a while.

A year or two ago I stopped doing that. I love audio books and still listen to them in the car. But I spend so much of the day plugged in that I really need my running time to not include electronic stimuli. And after a few years of running, I no longer spent the run wondering when I could stop. I could appreciate being outside, the green trees, the air I was breathing.

Then this January, thanks to my sister, I started training to run longer distances. And even on my long runs, I stayed unplugged. Long runs are hard, and I will admit to moments of "Can I stop yet?" But when that question comes up, I don't tell myself, "Just one more mile." Or, "Just 30 more minutes."

I tell myself, "I am fine. I am comfortable. I am doing this. And I can do it forever."

Because, in a way, I am doing it forever. I am doing it in this moment, and this moment is all that exists right now.

I stop thinking about a future reality that will be more comfortable. This is my reality. It is good, and I am totally managing it.

That is how I get through long runs. But I'm realizing it is how I manage other areas of my life as well.

My labor with Virginia, for example, was very intense. Every time I had a contraction I thought, "Okay. Okay. I'm surviving this. But I don't think I could handle any more pain." Then the next one was worse, and I survived that, too.

One of the things that got me through, (probably thanks to fantastic birthing hormones) was that I didn't once think about how long I had been in labor, or how much longer I would have to do it. I just accepted that, at that moment, it was my reality. As far as I knew, I could do it forever.

I actually had a harder time with Horatio's birth at the end because it wasn't that intense until the last hour or two and I did find myself thinking things like, "I won't have to do this for that long this time." Those thoughts made me impatient and distracted me from fully embracing my current reality.

As per usual, I find it easier to deal with physical challenges than emotional/psychological ones. So there is still a pretty major thing I need to work on "doing forever." It is just, life, I guess. My schedule.

I often feel "too busy." I have too many responsibilities and I do too many things. I long for the weekend, the summer, the end of a project, retirement (just kidding on that one...kind of).

But new "to-dos" always pop up and those less busy moments rarely come. When they do, I am tempted to fill them with other tasks, or I waste my time with something like TV and think, "Is this really the promised land I thought it was?"

Just like with Virginia's birth, I am constantly on the verge of calling "Uncle!" but I constantly learn that I can actually handle more.

I don't really have to run forever. I don't really have to be in labor forever (thank goodness!). But I probably will feel busy forever.

Don't worry. I've totally got this.

Mine

I wrote recently about Horatio calling Virginia "Mine," but I have to elaborate.

Before my sister was born, my mother told me that she would be the best and most expensive gift that I would ever get. I've never forgotten that. My sister is my best friend. I share her with others grudgingly. And, as the saying goes, God help the mister who comes between me and my sister!

Of course, I was the oldest. She came to me as a baby and she was mine.

Horatio persistently calls Virginia, "Mine." He knows her name is Virginia. He can kind of say it. But to him, she is "Mine."

Horatio is the youngest. Virginia was already here before he existed. But I think the name is no accident. He truly views her as his. And it is adorable.

He loves to play with Virginia. He has a plastic Mickey Mouse toy and a plastic Minnie Mouse. They play with them together. Virginia was looking for Minnie the other night and I was a little worried about her calling it hers, because technically, both toys belong to Horatio. He found Minnie first, walked towards Virginia, and said, "Give Mine Mi' Mouse." He handed it to her.

And then there was when the kids ran to find me (in the bathroom, of course). Virginia said, "Momma, look at this!" Then she and Horatio hugged for me. Just for the cute.

When Virginia and I tried to leave for our date together a couple Fridays ago, Horatio wasn't sad that I was leaving. He was sad Virginia was leaving. He likes playing with her after school.

I have to admit that when I was expecting Horatio, part of me hoped we were having another girl. I understood girls and I wanted Virginia to have a sister like I did. I just knew they would be best friends.

After Horatio was born I tried to think if I knew any older sister-younger brother sibling combinations where the siblings were close. I had a female friend in high school who had a brother my sister's age. She and her brother were good friends. But, I'm pretty sure they were a united front against their parents.

Although Virginia and Horatio do sometimes tag team me, I am relieved that they are best friends... without viewing John and myself as a common enemy. And Horatio is sure that even though Virginia came first, she has always been here for him.

A couple of clowns.