Mother Love

The first book we read in the book club (for actual grown-ups) of which I was a member for a short time was Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. One of the things this book is known for is a detailed description of foot-binding. (It is a fiction book. The narrator experiences foot-binding as a child.) I remember the narrator saying that it was "mother love." Her mother hurt her, but she loved her, and was trying to give her a better future.

For some reason this has stuck with me and every time I hurt my children (not from foot-binding) I think: Mother love.

When I comb the tangles out of Virginia's hair. Mother love.

When I wash Horatio's newest wound. Mother love.

When I pull a splinter from Virginia's hand. Mother love.

When I rip the bandaid off Horatio's forehead. Mother love.

Horatio got this impressive contusion by walking into an angular metal pole. Although my usual rule is "bandaids are for blood" I let him wear a bandaid over it for a few days to make him feel better and to avoid freaking out his teachers and classmates too much. But not the same bandaid for a few days. Those things start to melt your skin after a while. He had to take it off every night to let his skin breath and got a new one in the morning. 

The first night of bandaid removal I noticed his forehead peach fuzz and knew it was going to be a painful separation. While Horatio held my hand I said "one, two, three," and then ripped it off. It hurt, but he understood that I didn't hurt him on purpose. 

The next night John removed the bandaid. He didn't do it sloooooowly, but he did hesitate a bit. On night three Horatio announced that Momma would take off his bandaid. "She say one, two, three, rip." My way was less painful. I wasn't afraid to hurt him and in the end I hurt him less. 

The world hurts. It is tempting, as a parent, to protect my kids. I'm not saying I'll throw them to the wolves, but I'm not afraid to let it hurt. I'd rather hold their hands and teach them how to get through it than hide the hurt from them. Because it will get them some day and if they've never experienced it, they won't know what to do. 

That's mother love.