Accepting What Is

It is funny (ironic?) that the hardest thing, for me, about parenting is the thing that requires that I be true to some of my own deepest held philosophical and spiritual beliefs: accepting what is.

This is something I read again and again in my daily Krishnamurti meditations. Sorrow, conflict, difficulty in life come from being in denial of what is. I believe this is at the heart of the haum mantra. Freedom from suffering does not mean that "bad" things don't happen to you. It means you can get through them. But you have to start by accepting what is.

Accepting what is does not mean having an attitude of defeat, of giving up because you can't change things. It is just that you can not react appropriately to a situation if you are not honest with yourself about what that situation actually is. It is too easy to get caught up wishing the situation were different. It's like improv with whatever life throws your way. Saying "no" disrupts the performance. But you don't just have to say "yes." It's "yes, and."

So, when we are at a restaurant and Virginia is touching the salt and pepper shakers and dropping her crayons on the floor and spilling her juice and whining, I could tell her over and over again "stop that, stop that." And sometimes that is how things go and it is frustrating for both of us. But at my best moments, I am honest with myself about what is. Virginia can't really do what I'm asking her to do. She is only five. She is tired, bored, hungry (if the food hasn't come yet). At my best I accept the situation and act according to the situation as it is. Yes Virginia is having a hard time behaving in the restaurant and so I ask her to play I Spy with me, or we make up a story together, or we name an animal that starts with every letter of the alphabet. If I accept the situation I can react differently and everyone is happier.

Even more challenging are Horatio's tantrums over things like his granola bar breaking in half. My immediate thought is that this is dumb. The granola bar is still good, and why can't he eat it like that?!! But that is not accepting what is. Yes a broken granola bar is (sometimes) devastating when you are three and I can be in that place with him until he calms down. If I start from the place of believing his feelings are unjustified he only gets more upset. This one is extra tricky because even though he appreciates it when I empathize with him, he sometimes stays unhappy that his granola bar is broken. I can't always "fix" this problem even at my "best." But it does go better when I honor his feelings.

The thing is that even though I recognize that responding to my children in this way is really better for all of us, even though I want to live my life always saying "yes, and" to what is, it is so hard and I don't always do it. It is tempting to wish that Virginia could be a perfect lady in restaurants and Horatio wouldn't cry over broken granola bars. But that isn't the way they are. And as much as I want to always accept what is, what is right now is that I often fall short. Yes, I fall short, and...