Nothing Is Horrible

All four of us have been sick on and off (or in John’s case on and on) for a couple of months now and just at the end of my winter break I had the opportunity to experience an ear infection. I’m actually still recovering from it, but past the initial hard part.

First let me say, I have new respect for my kids because ear infections HURT. Outside of the pain of labor the worst pain I have ever felt resulted from a complication of having my wisdom teeth removed called “dry socket.” It is easy to compare ear infection pain to dry socket pain because I ended up feeling both in my jaw. I now find it difficult to say which is worse. The pain of dry socket could ultimately be managed with large doses of advil, but got out of hand easily if I didn’t stay on top it. Ear infection pain seems to respond somewhat to painkillers, but the painkillers don’t take away the sensation of pressure (or the sensation of not being able to fully open or close your jaw).

A couple nights ago I noticed that my ear felt like it needed to “pop,” and for a little while I held out hope that that was all that was going on. But, as the evening progressed, my ear became very painful, with the pain spreading into the hinge of my jaw. Horatio was also sick that evening with a fever and John volunteered to take on the restless babe while I attempted to sleep.

Of course, lying down made the pain worse. I could feel myself fighting it. Not accepting the pain. Willing it away. Knowing that wasn’t going to work and I would just suffer. Believing this was horrible.

That’s when I paused. I have taken comfort and guidance from a mantra the past several years: “God is everything. Nothing is horrible.”

Usually I stop at “God is everything,” which can be a challenging enough notion when you are trying to view a particularly difficult person or situation as a true expression of God. But I know that the rest of the phrase is there and it especially floats to the surface when I find myself saying that something is horrible.

No. God is everything. Nothing is horrible.  

So, I paused. And lying there in bed, in “horrible” pain, I accepted what was happening to me. I conceded that pain is my perception of one aspect of the oneness of the world. I relaxed. I felt the pressure change in my ear. The pain became bearable.

I didn’t miraculously get better. I still couldn’t sleep all night and I had to see a doctor the next day and get medication. Days later I still can not fully hear out of my ear.

But it is not horrible.