Cousin Hayden

Thanksgiving of 2011 John, Virginia, and I (Horatio was in utero) went to Jacksonville and stayed with John's grandmother. Other family members made the trip as well and John has even more family also in Jacksonville.

There Virginia met Hayden, John's cousin. He is a few years older than Virginia but he really enjoyed playing with her. He would read to her or build things for her to knock down. The age difference didn't bother him.

One of the last days we were there we got back from a walk on the beach and Hayden had come over to play again.

On this trip I had begun to feel tired and a little overwhelmed. Even though the adult-to-child ratio was much greater in the house than it usually was when we were at home, somehow watching Virginia seemed harder. There were things she shouldn't touch. Someone always had to be near her, whereas at home I was comfortable with her walking between rooms on her own. And, as on any vacation, there was a lot of waiting around time. You know, maybe I don't want Virginia to take out a million toys just now because we might all be leaving for lunch soon. But when you are waiting for several people to get ready, you don't know how long the wait will really be. And kids don't like to do nothing.

So I was tired and it was hard and after we got back from the beach I told Virginia to get in the shower with me because we were both covered in sand. When we got out it was almost time for Hayden to go. He and Virginia both seemed disappointed that they wouldn't really get to play again. I was a little sorry, but mostly thought that doing what was best for me in that moment was still ultimately the best thing to do.

Last year Hayden's mother died. We were back in Jacksonville in spring of 2013 and he and Virginia got to play together again, but it wasn't the same. A light had gone out of him - understandably so. I began to feel worse about not letting them play together that day. I had had an opportunity to bring more joy to his life and I had been selfish instead.

Earlier this week Hayden stopped breathing due to an asthma attack. He also had a cold. The doctors do not know how long he went without breathing. He is in a coma and things are not looking positive right now. I really wish he and Virginia could play one more time.

We love you, Hayden.

***UPDATE***

Probably around the same time I was writing this Hayden was being declared legally dead. I don't know when exactly he died or when life support was ended. His family has donated his organs.