An Introvert Parent

I identify as an introvert although the reality may be somewhere closer to the middle of the spectrum. Nevertheless, the things that get to me, as an introvert, really get to me. I hate small talk but love deep conversation. I need to have time alone to recharge. Socializing can be exhausting for me.

Virginia seems to be an extrovert (jury is still out on Horatio - but starting to suspect introvert), which sometimes drags me into situations that are uncomfortable for me. Like when she talks to random people we meet in public and I'm forced into an awkward conversation.

But I'm realizing that having children, no mater what their 'version, leads to special challenges for the introvert parent.

Even when my children don't strike up a conversation with strangers, I'm in more situations now requiring small talk: birthday parties, day care pick up and drop off, any place we play where there are other children and their parents.

And then there is the general noise of children.

I learned from reading Quiet a couple summers ago that the true difference between introverts and extroverts is that introverts are drained by socialization, whereas extroverts are energized by it. This may be an oversimplification, but it is the general idea.

Introverts can easily become overstimulated. So, at the end of the day, when I've been pleasant to my coworkers and students for over 8 hours, and I'm making dinner, and my kids are banging things, twirling around my feet, and giggling-singing-yelling and I start to think I'm going to lose my mind. It isn't my imagination. I've literally had too much and have no more energy left for interacting with people.

I deal with this by taking some time for myself. Sometimes I have time to run by myself (although I often exercise with little helpers). But even if the kids are with me (in the jogging stroller) we can't talk too much and Horatio doesn't pull Virginia's hair the whole time, so I can still kind of be quiet. I've been trying to meditate every day and I find this to be a very efficient way to rest my mind. Television and Internet are fun distractions, but they are still stimulating and so not actually that restful. I can get a big recharge from meditation.

I also now realize what is happening during those moments that are the most difficult for me. I know that the kids aren't being "bad." But for my own sanity I will need to find a way to get them to be quieter or get a little space from them.

Now as I keep hearing about how differently Horatio behaves at day care from at home, I've started wondering if his "even disposition" (yeah, right - the child turns over chairs for fun!) is an expression of introversion. I hope I can help him be true to himself, too.

Maybe John can teach Virginia how to be a good extrovert. (He's a social lightening rod. Very handy at parties.)

Moving Forward

I feel like after my angsty post of yesterday I should share that I am trying to make the best of the time I have with Virginia. I am a Problem Solver and I know there is a way to do everything I need to do without crushing my child's soul.

The Mornings:
I was actually really stumped about this one. No matter how gently I talk to her and handle her in the morning, she doesn't want to get up. But she has to get up and get dressed and go to day care. Finally, Hubs and I decided he would help so that, if nothing else, her anger wouldn't all be directed at me. Somehow, she actually seems to be happier though (which, of course, is better than her just being mad at someone else). I'm not sure why it worked out this way, but I am glad that Hubs is on board with helping me resolve these issues and that his help is paying off.

Dinner:
The gates all needed to come down anyway because baby belly was making it hard for me to climb over them. This means Virginia now has access to the kitchen. There was one tense moment when she fished a cookie out of the trash can, but she hasn't gotten into anything that could kill her.
In addition to just letting her in the kitchen, I've decided to actively invite her to help me cook. This is complicated because our kitchen is very small and there is nowhere I can pull her up to the counter where she can't reach the stove, the sink, or something else hot or sharp (this is not an exaggeration). I have to watch her very closely and be creative about what she can do to help. But, she much prefers helping me cook to being stuck on the other side of the gate. It is something Momma and Virginia do together instead of a time Virginia has to entertain herself (or bemoan the fact that Momma won't let her watch Dora).

Laundry:
Virginia is actually a pretty good laundry helper when she is in a good mood. I hand her things to put in the dryer.

Nursing:
Nursing is maybe the only thing I can give her that no one else can. She is at a point now where I could wean her with almost no effort. And I have been tempted, since the pregnancy is currently giving me an aversion to nursing. But she still takes comfort in nursing once in a while and letting her hold on to that a little bit longer is the least I can do.

Exercise:
I don't have a great solution for this one yet. The yoga routine that I most benefit from while being pregnant is the one Virginia is least likely to want to "do with me." It is from a book, so I just play my own music and do my thing. She will start out sitting in my lap and breathing with me, but by the time we get to Cow and Cat she is being silly and running into my face or just spilling milk on the yoga mat.
I have a "Mommy and Me" for toddlers video that she likes pretty well, but it is not for pregnancy. And even when I modify or leave out exercises, it is becoming harder and harder for me to use this video.
Virginia likes going for walks and we do. Just no so much during the week, because it gets dark too early right now.
Sometimes I just try to get in a few squats and stretches while I'm playing with her. But, to be honest, I get the best exercise when Hubs agrees to watch Virginia for a little while. This means I have to rely on him and he doesn't always have the time to do this, but, like I said, we're still working on it.

Sleeping:
Virginia sleeps in a bed in her own room. One of us helps her get to sleep each night. Sometimes she sleeps the whole night in her room, sometimes she comes into our bed during the night. A month or two ago she went through a long stretch of nights where she stayed in her bed all night. Now she is back in our bed most nights. I am okay with this. I know that she can sleep in her own bed and when she doesn't there is a reason. Right now the reason could be that she is agitated about the same things I am agitated about. Or it could be that her two-year molars are coming in (I highly suspect this is happening, but it is hard to confirm). Whatever the reason, it will pass, and she will continue to progress towards sleeping more consistently through the night in her room again.

Showers/Baths:
This is actually a huge one for me. After Virginia was born I was in shock over never being alone. I mean, maybe it sounds obvious that new babies require a lot of attention and are kind of always attached to you, but vaguely being aware of this fact and actually living it are two very different things. When I could get in a shower after Hubs was home and have the bathroom to myself, soaking in that glorious warm water. That was my moment.
Even though Virginia is older now and I spend hours away from her at work, I still don't have much time to myself. I have spent months working on stories (for storytelling) in the shower (and at practically no other time).
Then, one night, Hubs was out and I needed to take a shower, so I asked Virginia to sit in the bouncy swing (that can hang in the doorway). She said "No. Shower with Momma." I had tried to take her in the shower a couple of times before with not good results, but this time I put her ducky tub in the bathtub with me, let her sit in that, and I just stood in the remaining space while showering. Even though the water that accumulated in her ducky tub didn't seem that warm to me, she was really happy.
We do this sometimes now and sometimes I also get in the bath with her. She really prefers it to bathing alone. She doesn't like to get out, and that is hard (especially if I am getting cold!), but I've been able to talk her through it and I think we end up ahead overall.
The thing is, I'm actually starting to not mind giving up my shower time. I don't know if I'm becoming more zen (one can always hope) or if I'm so distressed by having Virginia mad at me all the time that it is easier for me to do things that make her happy, or what. But, I'll take it. I really feel more at peace about having less "me" time.

I said it was hard being a working mom, but I'm thinking, not impossible. All of these things are a challenge, but they are helping and that is what really matters.

The Truth About Being a Working Mom

I never saw myself as a stay-at-home mom. I always had career aspirations and I spent a lot of money on my education with the presumption that it would pay off with my being employable.

When I had Virginia, I stayed home with her for eight months. Not just because I wanted to, but because I was unemployed. And when I got a job, I went back to work. I am glad, now, that I had that time with Virginia, because by the time I had to put her in day care, she was ready to play with other babies, so I thought maybe she was having fun.

I do like working. My job is intellectually stimulating and I am good at it. One of the hardest things about being a new mother was feeling like I was probably doing something wrong 90% of the time. But at work, my estimation of my own success is considerably higher. It is really nice to feel like a success. My job is also fun and even includes warm fuzzies. I have fourth grade students stop me in the halls to talk about books. How awesome is that?

My job is also good for my family. I have a retirement plan and solid benefits that mean we get the medical care we need at a price that doesn't cripple us. Hubs is starting his own law practice and we are going to survive the start-up period because I have a steady income.

I have been pretty okay with having Virginia in day care. After all, I get school holidays off, so I do see her more than most working moms see their children. And she is getting socialized and she goes outside twice a day and makes crafts and is mostly happy.

But now that she is two, she has more opinions than she used to and she is pretty good at expressing them. It is her opinion that she doesn't want to get out of bed at 6:30 in the morning. It is her opinion that she certainly doesn't want to change out of her warm pajamas at 6:30 in the morning. It is her opinion that practically everything Momma does to her between 6:30 and 7:00 in the morning to get her out the door is torture. It is also her opinion that anything Momma needs to do in the afternoon, like make dinner, do laundry, or - god forbid - exercise, sucks.

Now, I'm not going to let a two-year-old run my life, but she kind of has a point. Most of the time I have to spend with her on an average day, I spend making her do stuff she doesn't want to do or not giving her my full attention. And it does suck. She is mad at me a lot because, as far as she can tell, I am always no fun. It is breaking my heart.

Maybe I'm just emotional because I'm having another baby soon with whom I won't get to spend eight solid months. My plan is to have just four months off, and that is taking advantage of summer vacation. But I suspect it isn't just hormones. I suspect that being a good momma who works is even harder than being a good momma who stays at home.


A happy moment with Virginia, decorating for Christmas.

(Please no comments about how Virginia is "just being two." On weekends and days off when I can really spend time with her, our relationship is better and everyone is happier. I'm not saying every moment is blissful, but the "two-year-old" moments are easier to weather.)

Jester

Virginia got a jester hat at the festival yesterday.

Since the jester is the only one who can criticize the king, I think all children are jesters of sorts. Parenting advice is often unwelcome from outside parties, but it is hard to ignore what your children tell you about your parenting. I don't mean when they say, "I don't think I should be grounded." I mean when they repeat a bad word you said or smack their friend on the hand for taking a toy from them just like you smacked their hand for taking an extra cookie.

Here's to hoping I always accept Virginia's criticism.

Baby Advice

A big part of my life right now is learning how to be a mother. I subscribe to some parenting blogs, read books, read various other tidbits on the Internet, and have come to some conclusions.

1) You can always find some piece of advice that will tell you what you are doing is wrong.

2) You can always find some piece of advice that will tell you what you are doing is right.

I am one of those people who fears that each situation has ONE right answer and if I am not doing it that way I am doing it WRONG. This attitude is not compatible with being a sane parent. I will research one parenting question for days and make a decision about how I want to do things only to be filled with doubt once I run across an article with a different viewpoint. To make matters even more complicated, Virginia also has her own opinions about how things ought to be done.

I'm learning that all the baby advice is worth reading, but it's not all worth taking. There isn't just one right answer. I don't have to do what worked for someone else and I don't expect anyone else to do things the way I do. I know my baby better than anyone else and I can decide what is best for her. And yes, Virginia does have insights into what will work for her; all I have to do is listen.

Basically, I can't make everyone happy, but I can make Virginia happy. And that is really what it is all about.